My therapist sees me as a very sad person
and other reflections on Winter
Winter comes before my favorite season, Spring. Growing up, Fall was back to school, pimply skin, struggling to find a place to sit for lunch, stuffy noses, congestion, and making friends who didn’t stick. Winter was like rock bottom, a dead end, a deep sadness, lots of time spent alone, the worst of it before it got better. Better, which was represented by Spring. Spring, which came with a renewed sense of hope, excitement, energy, creativity, companionship and fervor. Spring was sour candies, windy walks to the river with friends, the rush of a new crush, a renewed sense of determination. Summer was fiery, running down my driveway as fast as I could to mitigate my feelings which felt way too big, eastern shore crab piles, puking up a combination of blue-chip ice cream and pink raspberry vodka vomit into friends toilets, a new sense of freedom felt from driving around the beach in a friends pickup truck with the music blasting. Winter was dry skin, dandruff, illness, a disappointing birthday, and existential dread.
Life now is similar though less dramatic. As I’ve grown more interested in wellness, and learned about Traditional Chinese Medicine, I’ve noticed the patterns of my experience and how they align, or are in imbalance, with the seasons of nature. Staying Healthy With the Seasons, writes: “The coming of each new season brings stress and change, illness can more easily overtake you then. But illness itself gives you the opportunity to reevaluate your life. However, if you do this voluntarily and change with the new season you may prevent illness. Winter is an important time to feel what your inner changes are and weave them into your dance of existence.”
Winter is an inward and sensitive time. A time for resting and reflecting, becoming more aware of your senses. January is the season of my sobriety and biological birthday and I’ve been thinking about my internal and external changes a lot in the past weeks.
Last week I had the flu. I also had an Epstein Barr flare up– which literally nobody can tell me anything about. I was in bed for 5 days. Totally incapacitated for the first two, unable to even doom scroll tiktok. On day three I finally started watching TV – I watched four seasons of Girls. I tossed and turned in pain in my bed with the space heater blasting. I accumulated half drunk cups of echinacea tea on my bedside table, ignored texts, and got annoyed that people were texting me in the first place. Drifted between the fine line of consciousness and unconsciousness, where random memories compulsively arrived in my mind one after the other for seemingly no reason and not in a pleasant way and dreams felt very real. Every day I stepped on the scale and hoped that the silver lining in this plague would be weight loss.
Winter is the season related to the Water element. Water is adaptable, it's the essential medium of earth and it’s the essential medium of your body. Water is deep and Yin, like the moon, receptive, feminine, dark relating to the subconscious, the hidden, the emotions. The state of water in your body may reflect the state of your emotions. Like the planet, you can also have droughts and floods, stagnant pools and fresh flowing streams. Water and winter are related to the Kidneys and Bladder, which deal with the body’s water.
We all have our seasons and our cycles. Cycles where emotions are held in, cycles where emotions are released. The expression of emotions brings a lightening of energy. If not released, the holding of water in the body along with the emotions, can cause lethargy and slowness, irritability and an inability to express ourselves. In therapy this week I sat as my therapist tried to lead me through an inner child meditation or “parts” meditation. I think he calls it presence work. I hate it. Sitting there, as he began to lead me through it, all I could think over and over in my mind was “I hate this. I hate this so much,” and “I hate him.” Towards the end I felt a sort of dissociation from my body and emotional choking arrive in my throat as I willed my younger self into my imagination. Just as the tears reached my eyes, my therapist led me out. He finished up our session by saying he sees me as a very sad person but that I don’t seem bring that emotion to our meetings and that maybe there is a trust issue in our relationship. He’s not wrong but I just don’t like him. Maybe next week I’ll finally get the courage to fire him.
In the weeks leading up to this recent bout of sickness, I felt okay. I was eating fine. I’ve been dealing with some family stress. I was staying up late and sleeping very late. I’ve been avoiding my work and focusing on promoting my cupping and breathwork classes. I’ve been imagining a future for what my life could look like if I went back to school or pursued wellness full time. A deep sense of fear accompanies that imagination because I have a strong sense of responsibility. I feel that “you’re not supposed to quit when things start working,” right? I’m afraid of not making money. I’m afraid that I’ll always lose interest in things and quit before seeing them through.
The Kidneys are related to will power. Will power itself is seen as coming from the Kidneys, which can generate ambition and a desire to do something with one’s life. A lack of will power or ambition may reflect a water imbalance. The kidneys store the energy of life force itself, relating to birth, life and death and the cycle of transformation. They’re also related to fear. The kidneys also contribute to “the sparkle” in someone’s eyes.
The Monday before I got sick was, in my book, a textbook “perfect” day. 5am wakeup and right to 6am Tracy Anderson class with Lizzy. Followed by a meeting and a busy day of cupping at Sky Ting. I think I cupped 10 people. At 6:30pm I taught a breathwork circle I felt really good about. Then I went to the bathhouse with Ian and Kelly. By the time I got home it was almost midnight. For a normal person, they might be tired the next day. For me, it means the next day I got sick
Staying healthy With the Seasons mentions Karma as it relates to learning lessons. I’ve been reflecting on the progression of my life and what lessons I’ve learned or haven’t. I’ve been thinking about my birthday, and my sober anniversary. Reflecting on the literal changes marking the four years: moves, new friends, new jobs, new haircuts, new interests. Thinking about how I still seem to get really sick every few months because I haven’t quite yet learned how to take care of myself. In the Winter chapter, it says “Karma is a process of learning from this natural law of the universe. Each life crisis or illness has a lesson which, if we learn, we will not need to experience again. Yet, if we deny the potential learning this experience represents, the same lesson will present itself again and again, often more intensely, until we learn it.” I’ve been thinking a lot but I haven’t been feeling much recently.
After my last bout with a really bad Epstein-Barr flair up this August, I was determined to take care of myself. Once and for all. I stopped eating processed sugar, gluten and dairy. I felt amazing. Then came Thanksgiving. And feeling good can be really dangerous for me. I forget very easily.
I really don’t know why I find it so challengingly, and frankly unbearable, to take care of myself. I have so much fear. And so much self-will, an unbearable desire to control everything. It’s exhausting. I talk a big game in my classes about releasing and emotional expression as the key to healing, but I must admit I am averse to it. I close up so fast. I repress. Illness is shocking and very disorienting for me. When I’m sick it reminds me of being hungover and depressed. It feels like it will never be over.
Even now I find it challenging to express myself. Dealing with self-doubt that tells me this is stupid and nobody cares and I’m not very good at this. I feel weak, but slightly cleared up. I feel lucky to be sober. I know that in this season of life I’m right where I should be. A little awkward. Sensitive. Retreating. I’m going to go to the grocery store now to buy some food that the Season’s book recommends for winter. I’m going to try and eat some of them this week. Here’s my list:
Foods for Warmth and Energy
Root Vegetables
Carrots, turnips, onions, potatoes. Cook for their warming qualities.
Garlic and ginger root: for boosting heat and immunity.
Spices
Cayenne Pepper: Adds heat and improves circulation.
Grains and Beans
Whole Grains: Provide sustained energy and aid digestion (e.g., millet, buckwheat).
Millet: A warming grain.
Beans: Combine with grains for complete proteins.
Red adzuki beans: Support kidney health.
Black beans: Enhance sexual function.
Soaked black beans with millet, or brown rice with lentils and sunflower seeds (2:1:1 ratio).
Cook with 1.5 times the water for 40 minutes.
Add tamari, cayenne, nutritional yeast, yogurt, curry, or parsley for flavor.
Nuts and Dairy
Nuts: for their healthy fats and warmth.
Feta cheese: A digestible and warming dairy option.
Animal Protein
Deep-sea fish (halibut, swordfish): Rich in nutrients and beneficial fats.
Chicken or occasional red meat: Stimulates the blood and complexion but should be consumed in moderation to avoid overstimulation.
Ocean Foods
Fish and Seaweed:
Seaweed varieties: Kelp, dulse, nori, hijiki.
Rich in vitamins (E, A), calcium, potassium, iodine, and trace minerals.
Benefits:
Nourish skin, hair, nails.
Support thyroid and adrenal gland health.
Soy
Tofu
Miso
Alkalizing and aids digestion.
Supports immunity and detoxification (removes radiation, heavy metals, and toxins).
Seaweed and Miso Combination: Especially helpful for cleansing and providing trace minerals.
Thanks for reading! I’d love to see you at my next breathwork class, this Sunday the 26th at 6:30pm. I’m also cupping this Monday at Sky Ting, as well. You can book here.
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I really enjoyed reading this. As someone who has gone through the "I'm really going to take care of myself" ups and downs of cutting gluten/dairy/sugar out and then falling back when it's just too cold or I go out with a good friend etc etc etc... it is so so hard. I'm not sure why, but the word retreating really stuck with me. Maybe we NEED to retreat in seasons of doubt and struggle? I'm not certain but we can try!